There are a lot of changes in the tween stage if you are parenting a strong-willed daughter. Hormones, body changes, changes within friendships can all cause for a lot of heightened emotions. Don’t get me wrong- emotions are awesome and we should express them (it’s something I tell my kids often). However when you are trying to understand all these changes there can be frustration and misfired attempts at communication which can result in a feeling of hopelessness for all. While I am not an expert, I am in the thick of it with my amazing and strong-willed tween daughter. I’m sharing what worked for us to communicate and connect better. Some days these work and some days they don’t. Know that you aren’t alone. I see you.
Tailored communication
It’s taken a few missteps on my part to understand that the way that I like to communicate is not the same way my tween likes to communicate. When I notice that we are arguing more often or not understanding each other it’s time to regroup.
One way we communicate when we are having a hard time connecting is by writing each other notes in a notebook. In the beginning words wouldn’t flow for her so I stared watching videos and following directed draws. She started doing the same and little by little our letters started getting longer. I uncovered a lot more in those letters than I had in our conversations allowing me to connect with her and let her know I’m here to listen.
Allow your tween to feel her feelings
I’m a fixer, so when there’s a problem I try to fix it. This creates the opposite effect with my upset tween. Many times she does not want me to fix the situation, instead she wants to know that she is loved, safe and I will always be there for her. The worst things I could say are “It’s going to be fine” or “It’s not a big deal.” Here’s what I say instead:
- “I love you exactly as you are and I’m here to listen when you’re ready to talk.”
- “I feel like I’m not saying the right things, may I offer you a hug until we figure this out.”
- “I can see why you would be upset, would you like me to help you come up with a solution or just listen?”
One-on-one time
I cringe writing this one because I know parents with multiple children without family nearby or a steady sitter can find this challenging. However, it really does make a difference and fill my tween’s bucket when I spend an hour or two with her and give her undivided attention. Sometimes we have to think outside of the box to find that coveted one-on-one time.
Here are some ideas:
- Have a “late-over”- sometimes my daughter will get to stay up late on a weekend and hang out in my room with me while we do sleepover type activities. We have a spa-night, paint our nails, put cucumbers on our eyes and listen to relaxing music. Or some late overs we play her favorite music and have a dance/singing party.
- Go for a walk around the neighborhood after dinnertime.
- Early dismissal from school- on rare treats I will pull a child out of school at lunchtime and we will go have lunch together and catch up.
- Read a book together at bedtime. Even though my almost ten-year-old is “too old” for story time, she will still snuggle up with me and let me read to her at night. Let her choose the book, sometimes mine will choose one from her younger years as a way to connect.
- Fancy floral bath-time- this is one of my favorites. I will set up a milk bath and decorate the wall of the bathroom by taping flowers on the wall. I set a plate of her favorite snacks, books and magazines. I’ve heard pushback from some parents thinking this is “spoiling” the child. However, tweens have a lot of stressors and if every few months I can do something to help my tween decompress, then it’s worth it. During bath time we talk a lot and I learn a lot. This helps me adapt my parenting to what works for her.
- Go on a date. If you can get away, take your tween daughter out on a dinner date. If dinnertime is too hectic , try to grab breakfast at a coffee shop together over the weekend.
I’d love to hear from you and see what’s working with your tween. Or even if you want to vent, feel free to comment or email me- I’m here to listen.
With love,
Shahla
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